Analyzing Brian Dennehy's Head

A leaked government document reveals attempts at solving the mystery.

THIS MESSAGE IS CLASSIFIED TOP SECRET

FROM: CDC Director (REDACTED)

TO: CIA field operative (REDACTED)

RE: Project Redhead

Per your instructions, we have attempted to complete a structural workup of film actor Brian Dennehy’s head.

While we are unable to determine what gives it the power to transfix and sometimes horrify the casual observer, we are unable to synthesize this in a controlled setting, or even truly understand exactly what it is we’re dealing with here. The science just isn’t there yet.

Here are our results, although I cannot truly claim to understand them myself:

-Mr. Dennehy’s head is estimated to weigh 70-75 pounds. A lab test revealed that when submerged, it is able to displace over 4 gallons of scotch. He conducted this test himself.

-His mouth is used primarily for the ingesting of cheese products, the savoring of fine whiskies and as a tool for profanity.

-Mr. Dennehy’s face, since his 60^th birthday, has undergone periodic cosmetic treatments to make it look younger and to remove heavy callous buildup. Before this 60th birthday, conversely, he had undergone treatments to make it appear older and more rugged.

-A molecular analysis of his skull yielded the following results: 21 percent bone matter, 19 percent tungsten, 40 percent boron. The remaining 20 percent comprised of an element never before recorded on Earth.

-He has two separate bullets lodged in his skull, both of which were unable to penetrate, despite the close range. One is an AK-47 round between his eyes, acquired in Vietnam. In 2003. The other is a .45 slug lodged in his right temple, as the result of a weekend in Cabo San Lucas with Robert Loggia that nearly ended in disaster.

-Mr. Dennehy’s dentures are carved from human femurs, and he refuses to give their source, although he did admit to pulling out his own teeth so he could wear them. Their purpose is purely cosmetic, as he subsides on a variety of pastes and tonics.

-A DNA test started a small fire in the lab.

-Mr. Dennehy suffers from a skin condition known as “the Reddening,” common among older Irish males. It begins at the tip of the nose, and spreads quickly to the cheeks and brow, going from a gentle rose shade to an alarming crimson similar to that of a fire engine. This is condition is exacerbated by drinking and anger, which, in most victims, means it is exacerbated constantly.

-Within his gums are a secondary set of teeth, belonging to several unknown species of non-human mammal.

-When exposed to whiskey, the pleasure center of his brain swelled up to the size of a baseball, and began making a faint mewling noise.

-Beneath Mr. Dennehy’s eyebrows are a second set of “reserve eyebrows.” Their purpose is unknown.

-He claims to be blind in one eye, a malady that alternates between them dependent upon his mood.

-As opposed to being wrinkled, Mr. Dennehy’s brain is smooth, save for a few minor abcesses. It resembles a large lima bean in both shape and texture, and changes color when exposed to bright light. It pulsates with an unknown liquid that smells like ammonia and, according to our intern, tastes even worse.

In short, the results are inconclusive, as well as baffling and terrifying. Note that some of these results may be influenced by the many doses of elephant tranquilizers that were administered, although they appeared to have no effect.

A lot of good people gave their lives in this research, and I fear they have died in vain.

Please come take him from our lab.

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